Money Isn't Everything...

I have been spoiled in the past. I grew up in Avon Lake, a BEAUTIFUL and somewhat wealthy little town. My dad made a ton of money so I never had to worry about anything. Then I got married at age 23, things got a little bit harder, but I did not have to give up any little luxuries like expensive makeup, or nice clothes, so in essence, I was still spoiled. Granted, I was working, but still, money was not a worry to me.

_______________  SIDE NOTE
Unfortunately, one beautiful late summer day, I got Lyme Disease while out one day in the Cuyahoga Valley area. I made the mistake of sitting in the grass with shorts on, and walla, a tiny little tick bit me on the ankle. Within a day or two, I got deathly ill. I was sick for months and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. I really truly thought I was going to die. I went to 4 different doctors and each of them could not figure out what was going on with me. I honestly believe that the only thing that made me better from that, was God. My grandmother saw me after months of my torture and said "You've been sick for too long... I'm going to pray for you honey, I'm worried about you." Within a couple of weeks of her praying, I made a miraculous recovery. - Or so I thought.

Lyme disease, if not treated right away, does disastrous things to the body. I was stuck with terrible joint pain, fainting spells, light sensitivity, and skin problems, memory problems, vision trouble, and horrible depression. All of these were issues when I had to deal with going to work at the various jobs I had. Most of the time, the problems were too much to bear and I would have to leave my jobs after a year or two.
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Getting back to my job situations:

Having no college degree really hurt me as far as jobs go. I was never able to make enough money to live off of even when I was working full time busting my butt to the point of exhaustion. I did very hard work and had nothing to show for it. But, my husband was there to pick up the slack. He made good money. He has a college degree and an I.Q. that is bordering on genius! He never had any trouble making money.

After working at a crafting store for a year, a library for a while, then working in an office for a few years, and working at a veterinarian's office for a short time, I found my dream job. It did not pay well at all, and the work was probably the hardest physical work I've ever had to do, but, I loved it. Why? It was a no kill cat shelter. While working there I felt like I had a reason to live. I had a true sense of purpose that I had never felt before. I was doing some good for animals and, on top of that, my body looked great. Unfortunately after having spells where I would fall for no reason, and fainting issues, and debilitating depression, I left my dream job.

After that I came to the conclusion that I probably couldn't work. My husband realized that too, and he made enough money to support both of us. He did not have a problem with me not working. He saw the many ailments I was dealing with, and while he did not show any compassion towards me, he understood and tried the best he could to not force me to feel like I was an incompetent fool for not being able to handle a regular job.

Well, here it is, several years later. I'm now facing some of the hardest issues in my entire life. I still can't really work a regular job, and I can no longer rely on my husband's money. He is struggling as is, too.

This week, I have had to face the reality that I may lose my car - and I will not be able to buy another one. I just learned today that I may lose my phone - and I do not have the money to afford to keep it going. It seems that my luck has changed in life. I see everything going downhill and it frightens me.

Today I get to go out with friends, but it's embarrassing because I should be paying for the event, but I can't, so they are being kind and taking care of things for me. On top of that, one of my best friends, Liam, is driving me. Were it not for his kindness, I don't know how I would survive anything. He never judges me for my issues and problems, he only supports me.

Anyway, I'm scared today and sad. My anxiety is going through the roof. I have no health insurance and I need to get to a doctor.

But you know, I've been thinking, and, money isn't everything. There are so many other people out there that have it so much worse than me. People survive horrible circumstances every day.

So, with all this totally useless and unorganized babble, I have to say, thank God for my friends, and thank God that I have a few people that do care about me. I do not have a great life right now, but God does provide help for me in the form of angels on earth - those who reach out to me and help me mentally, and financially.

I'm trying to hold onto hope today. To have a better attitude. It probably won't last. Every day is a depressing challenge... but, anyway, money isn't everything.

I Want To Know

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."

— Oriah Mountain Dreamer

 

 

 

 

Uncertainty

Uncertainty. I hate it. Ever felt like this in a relationship?

"You don't give me your full attention anymore when we talk. You look around. Do other things.

When we talk, often times, I listen to you, ask about you... yet when I want to tell you about me, you suddenly cut off the conversation. Surely this is not a good sign.

I'm often left with the idea that your feelings and my feelings don't quite match up anymore. Why is this? Why is it that you can tell me how you feel, act very loving... and yet, I question it later on. Is it just me? Or is my intuition right? How can I tell?

What am I to do?

I don't want to be your loving puppy dog. I'm not going to keep pouring out my heart to you if the love is not returned in the same amount.

I'm nobody's fool. I've been through relationship "games" and I am not in the mood. Be straigthforward about how you feel and express yourself so I will stop having doubts!

I am straightforward about my love. If you aren't giving me the same treatment.. I'm left to feel that you don't really care anymore."

For God's sake, as Madonna put it - EXPRESS YOURSELF!

I'm so drained.

I have a hard time getting in a good mood and getting things done. Why is this? I have blamed it on my depression in the past which totally makes sense, right?

But today I've thought more about it, and I've realized that I'm just tired. I feel mentally and physically drained. Physically, I don't feel any energy. I feel sort of dead. I have horrible shoulder pain and neck pain too.

So what does this all mean? I don't know.

What I do know is this: If you never feel physically well, it's going to effect everything in your life whether you think so or not. THAT is one of my problems.

The hardest part of that is having friends and family not understand because THEY feel fine compared to me. They have energy. They can just get up and go and not worry about feeling dead after a few hours of something.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, and could fix it. I know my brother Greg says I have fibromyalga most likely. It does make sense, but, I've never been diagnosed with it. So what's wrong with me?

I just feel so incredibly drained and in pain. This sucks. I just want to feel normal. Is that too much to ask?

How can you tell if someone really loves YOU?

It's very possible to figure out if you really love someone. But is it possible to find out if someone really loves you? I don't know. I'm not sure I've ever seen real love.

How do you know if you really love someone?

How can you know if you really love someone?

I think you love someone if you never want to live without them. If you find the positive.. even in the negative qualities. If you can get angry and feel hurt by someone, and yet you can't stay angry at them even if you have a justifiable right, because your love is so much stronger than your anger towards that person.

Love is like an invisible rope that wraps around yourself and the one you love. It's a likeness of mind. Two souls going in the same direction together. Love is the strongest and single most important thing in life.

This song is for that one person that I feel I never want to be without. It's beautiful. And so is he.

Ugly

OK, so.. I have been feeling very depressed lately. Which should be obvious by all of my previous posts. One of my problems is my looks. I hate my hair today... I hate my face lately... I hate my body... I just want to go and find a good brown bag and cut holes in it for eyes and a mouth, and stick it over my head, so I don't have to see me and no one else does!

It sounds a bit silly, but actually, it's rather serious. The way I feel about my appearance effects my daily life greatly. If I don't think I look alright, I will skip out on social events. Even things that I WANTED to go to... I will skip out on if I am filled with too much self hatred over the way that I look.

It's a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder... in case any of you are wondering what in the hell is wrong with me.

So, this weekend, I have a little shindig to go to at my best buddy Liam's house. I've been looking forward to this because 1. I love Liam  2. I love his friends  and 3. I get to see Jeff! 

All of these things make me want to go.. but how do I go when I feel as though I look so bad? I've been sick, sure, so I have an excuse to look like garbage. But still, even my own mother noticed I look bad lately. So what do I do? I don't have money to go get myself all chopped up and remade to look better.

So, I have to somehow, get over this idea that I look awful, so I can go and have some fun. When I push myself and go to things like this when I feel this bad about my looks, I can't have fun. I'm too worried about how I look the entire time.

It's totally illogical, I know. And no one is really going to be paying any attention to how I look. They all have their own things going on. But still.

It's hard.
I need to be able to like what I see in the mirror and I just don't.

Someone out there...
Help?!!!!!?!!!!

Am I A "Vincent"?

"The diseases that we civilized people labor under most are melancholy and pessimism."

I worry, that I may someday do something amazingly creative and good with my God given abilities and talents, yet still, not be able to be successful at life itself. Sadly, Vincent, unable to see the good things that he had accomplished - committed suicide because he was tired of feeling like a failure.

How?

How do people make the tough decisions in their lives? Where do you go to for guidance?

Where do you find the answers and the help that you need in order to make a wise decision?

If you fall... who is going to be there to catch you?

If I fall, I fear I will keep falling. Like one of those strange nighttime occurrences, where you feel like you are falling. In sleep, that feeling will eventually stop. But can you imagine that feeling going on and on and on?

I don't want to be alone.

I hate uncertainty.

Simply put. I need an angel to catch me as I fall.

I'm in danger of dying before even trying... the road ahead of me is dark and filled with gloom. I cannot see.. there's no light to light the path.

Ashlee Simpson-Catch Me When I Fall

Feather

Today I want to die.

I am hurting.

How is it, that I am so good at causing others pain, when, I truly DO have a heart of gold filled with love for people? It sounds arrogant, but it's true.

I have so much love inside of me for some people. I would give them the shirt off of my back, cut off my right arm for them.. do just about anything --- if I could. Some of these people have NO IDEA how much I have already tried to give. I don't share everything... but I have tried and worked and bent over backwards to try and be there for a few wonderful people. I am not a perfect person. I guess I don't give enough, but I surely would - If my life was my own and didn't belong to the winds.

I feel like a little feather that's being blown around by the winds of life. I have no control over anything. My mom, Eddie, and others are all making the wind blow in their directions so I'm pushed back and forth. I don't seem to have a say-so in matters. I can't do what I want lately.

I have no home. Only places to stay, where I am a low class citizen and am forced to put up with all the garbage my "care givers" can dish out. Care giver is a foolish name. These people don't give "CARE" they want to control and use and take out their frustrations on me! Because I'm a feather, I'm soft, I'm nice, I'm very easy to push around. And so they do.

On top of all of this, I've been sick for a couple of days. I feel awful and weak. My energy is simply gone. I have no strength, inner, or outer, from which to draw upon for help.

I'm totally lost. I'm so lost and hurt inside that I can't even get my thoughts out clearly as I write.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday. It's no surprise he wants me to take antidepressants again. I have put a TON of effort into trying NOT to take them again for a while. I have cried a thousand tears and life has been a constant painful struggle without my medications. I know they help. But I wanted so much to be strong.

I've never been a strong person. Yet I have put so much effort into trying to be. And now I feel like - why? What's the point? A feather, even if it tries to be strong, is still just a feather.

I will never accomplish my goals. I can't. I'm the little engine that couldn't. I see my life slowly going down the hole of nothingness again. I feel like giving up.

ME Lately

Major depressive disorder (MDD)  is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

---Bingo---

Is Love Really A Reality?

I am a romantic at heart. Probably too much so. I believe in the whole dream of having a soul mate. A person that is your best friend and your lover. Someone that is so close to you that they can say the words you want to speak before you speak them.

Someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

A person that will laugh with you when you want to laugh. Be the shoulder you lay your head on when you cry. Someone that you enjoy so much, that you could talk to them for hours and hours, and never get tired of being with them.

Someone that fascinates you. Interests you. And most of all, makes you feel loved, like you've never been loved before.

Does this exist? Or is it just an imaginary dream?

Is it just my romantic mind.. wishing for something that will never be there for me?

For me, this kind of love, if it exists, makes life worth living. If it doesn't exist - I'm afraid I do not find life to be a worthwhile venture.

Yes. LOVE IS THAT IMPORTANT!

Ch Ch Ch Changes...

Yesterday and today have been all about pain. Internal pain. I wish there were some magic cure for depression like this. I feel death just breathing down my neck, waiting to pounce at any given moment. Suicide is not a pretty picture folks. I don't want to feel like this but I'm very weak to change things.

 And speaking of change...

I have been learning lately - that all I really want is for people to accept me for WHO I AM NOW. Not for what they hope I will be like in the future.

I understand that I need improvement in some areas of my life. But if I am going to change, it is going to be for myself... NOT for anyone else! If I want to change.. I will. If not, it will never happen. I cannot live my life for anyone else. Things just don't work that way. It's MY choice what I want, how I want to be, and how I am going to be.

I am thankful for those few friends that I have that love me as I am - faults and all.

To everyone else who expects anything other than what they get from me.. screw you!!! I'm tired!!!

I'm a great person. I don't HAVE to be anything other than what I am. If you don't like me... fine. Don't like me! But stay the hell out of my life if you don't accept me as I am because I do not need pressure and I do NOT deserve to feel bad about myself just because I may not live up to someone else's expecatations of me.

I like me. AS IS. And yeah... I'm very angry right now.

Chaos Continues

My life is so weird lately. It's a chaotic dance of ups and downs. I guess it's just a reflection of how I am with my moods.

Today I get to paint. Which I'm hoping will ease some of my internal pain. Doing artwork usually does. But yet, I fear that, left alone with my thoughts to wander while my paintbrush glides across a piece of pottery, where will the thoughts go? Can I hold in the tears that want to flow out? Painting allows the mind to travel anywhere it wants to go.

I guess I'm  hoping I can block things out of my mind. If just for one day. I hope too for wellness, as I have been sick so much on and off for quite a while.

I will think on peaceful things. I will remember that I have some wonderful people in my life that bring me joy and comfort. I will try for once, not to worry. Because I know that worrying accomplishes very little.

Life

Life is a very strange thing. Sometimes we need peace more than anything else in the world. Quiet. Calm. Peace. These are the things I seek.

God willing, I will find them.

Love

Love is more important than anything. 'nuff said.

I have decided to blog again.

I used to have a blog. A blog where I wrote out my feelings and thoughts for the world to see.

I then had a bad bout of depression a few years ago so I deleted it. I deleted it because I thought I was going to kill myself. Is this too personal? I dont' know. All I know is that I just don't really care what people think. I do care.. too much, in reality. But I don't want to. So I will fake myself out and say that I just don't care. I want to write out what is inside of me. It may not all be nice. It's not all flowers and sunshine all the time. I just want to be real. I'm a Christian.. but I swear.. I don't act perfect.. I never will. No one can ever be perfect. I know a lot of uppity people who will look down on me for what I write here. But if I reach anyone else out there that may feel like me, it's worth the risk. To help another hurting soul is more important than trying to impress people that aren't even worth impressing.

I want to be able to pull myself out of my own mind. My mind is filled with insults and fears. I want it all to go away. I want to be like everyone else and not feel everything so intensely. I hate internal pain. I have a mental disorder. What does it do to me? Well, I don't here voices. I don't hallucinate. I just feel. I feel everything SO intensely. Sometimes it is heaven. Other times it is hell.

Imagine how you would feel if someone punched you lightly in the arm... It may hurt a bit.. but not much. That same punch, to me, is like a knife that slices through my arm. The pain is excrutiating. This is what my mental disorder is about. Most people can look past insults. Or at least they can fake it like it doesn't mean much. People like me, we have to feel the pain.. I can't look past my emotions. I can't put a fake smile on my face when I'm sad. I have to be real. I have to feel, even when I don't want to.

I think of all these things, and yet, I do feel like these pains are what make me an artist. Without my pain, I would not be me.

But is it such a great thing... being me? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I like who I am. I am kind, sweet, caring, deep, funny, compassionate, and very generous. But at this moment, I'm not feeling that. I'm feeling the sad. I'm judging myself.. and it hurts.