Thursday, July 21, 2011


OK, so.. I have been feeling very depressed lately. Which should be obvious by all of my previous posts. One of my problems is my looks. I hate my hair today... I hate my face lately... I hate my body... I just want to go and find a good brown bag and cut holes in it for eyes and a mouth, and stick it over my head, so I don't have to see me and no one else does!

It sounds a bit silly, but actually, it's rather serious. The way I feel about my appearance effects my daily life greatly. If I don't think I look alright, I will skip out on social events. Even things that I WANTED to go to... I will skip out on if I am filled with too much self hatred over the way that I look.

It's a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder... in case any of you are wondering what in the hell is wrong with me.

So, this weekend, I have a little shindig to go to at my best buddy Liam's house. I've been looking forward to this because 1. I love Liam  2. I love his friends  and 3. I get to see Jeff! 

All of these things make me want to go.. but how do I go when I feel as though I look so bad? I've been sick, sure, so I have an excuse to look like garbage. But still, even my own mother noticed I look bad lately. So what do I do? I don't have money to go get myself all chopped up and remade to look better.

So, I have to somehow, get over this idea that I look awful, so I can go and have some fun. When I push myself and go to things like this when I feel this bad about my looks, I can't have fun. I'm too worried about how I look the entire time.

It's totally illogical, I know. And no one is really going to be paying any attention to how I look. They all have their own things going on. But still.

It's hard.
I need to be able to like what I see in the mirror and I just don't.

Someone out there...

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