Thursday, July 21, 2011


OK, so.. I have been feeling very depressed lately. Which should be obvious by all of my previous posts. One of my problems is my looks. I hate my hair today... I hate my face lately... I hate my body... I just want to go and find a good brown bag and cut holes in it for eyes and a mouth, and stick it over my head, so I don't have to see me and no one else does!

It sounds a bit silly, but actually, it's rather serious. The way I feel about my appearance effects my daily life greatly. If I don't think I look alright, I will skip out on social events. Even things that I WANTED to go to... I will skip out on if I am filled with too much self hatred over the way that I look.

It's a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder... in case any of you are wondering what in the hell is wrong with me.

So, this weekend, I have a little shindig to go to at my best buddy Liam's house. I've been looking forward to this because 1. I love Liam  2. I love his friends  and 3. I get to see Jeff! 

All of these things make me want to go.. but how do I go when I feel as though I look so bad? I've been sick, sure, so I have an excuse to look like garbage. But still, even my own mother noticed I look bad lately. So what do I do? I don't have money to go get myself all chopped up and remade to look better.

So, I have to somehow, get over this idea that I look awful, so I can go and have some fun. When I push myself and go to things like this when I feel this bad about my looks, I can't have fun. I'm too worried about how I look the entire time.

It's totally illogical, I know. And no one is really going to be paying any attention to how I look. They all have their own things going on. But still.

It's hard.
I need to be able to like what I see in the mirror and I just don't.

Someone out there...

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Am I A "Vincent"?

"The diseases that we civilized people labor under most are melancholy and pessimism."
I worry, that I may someday do something amazingly creative and good with my God given abilities and talents, yet still, not be able to be successful at life itself. Sadly, Vincent, unable to see the good things that he had accomplished - committed suicide because he was tired of feeling like a failure.

Tuesday, July 19, 2011


How do people make the tough decisions in their lives? Where do you go to for guidance?

Where do you find the answers and the help that you need in order to make a wise decision?

If you fall... who is going to be there to catch you?

If I fall, I fear I will keep falling. Like one of those strange nighttime occurrences, where you feel like you are falling. In sleep, that feeling will eventually stop. But can you imagine that feeling going on and on and on?

I don't want to be alone.

I hate uncertainty.

Simply put. I need an angel to catch me as I fall.

I'm in danger of dying before even trying... the road ahead of me is dark and filled with gloom. I cannot see.. there's no light to light the path.

Ashlee Simpson-Catch Me When I Fall


Today I want to die.

I am hurting.

How is it, that I am so good at causing others pain, when, I truly DO have a heart of gold filled with love for people? It sounds arrogant, but it's true.

I have so much love inside of me for some people. I would give them the shirt off of my back, cut off my right arm for them.. do just about anything --- if I could. Some of these people have NO IDEA how much I have already tried to give. I don't share everything... but I have tried and worked and bent over backwards to try and be there for a few wonderful people. I am not a perfect person. I guess I don't give enough, but I surely would - If my life was my own and didn't belong to the winds.

I feel like a little feather that's being blown around by the winds of life. I have no control over anything. My mom, Eddie, and others are all making the wind blow in their directions so I'm pushed back and forth. I don't seem to have a say-so in matters. I can't do what I want lately.

I have no home. Only places to stay, where I am a low class citizen and am forced to put up with all the garbage my "care givers" can dish out. Care giver is a foolish name. These people don't give "CARE" they want to control and use and take out their frustrations on me! Because I'm a feather, I'm soft, I'm nice, I'm very easy to push around. And so they do.

On top of all of this, I've been sick for a couple of days. I feel awful and weak. My energy is simply gone. I have no strength, inner, or outer, from which to draw upon for help.

I'm totally lost. I'm so lost and hurt inside that I can't even get my thoughts out clearly as I write.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday. It's no surprise he wants me to take antidepressants again. I have put a TON of effort into trying NOT to take them again for a while. I have cried a thousand tears and life has been a constant painful struggle without my medications. I know they help. But I wanted so much to be strong.

I've never been a strong person. Yet I have put so much effort into trying to be. And now I feel like - why? What's the point? A feather, even if it tries to be strong, is still just a feather.

I will never accomplish my goals. I can't. I'm the little engine that couldn't. I see my life slowly going down the hole of nothingness again. I feel like giving up.

ME Lately

Major depressive disorder (MDD)  is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.


Is Love Really A Reality?

I am a romantic at heart. Probably too much so. I believe in the whole dream of having a soul mate. A person that is your best friend and your lover. Someone that is so close to you that they can say the words you want to speak before you speak them.

Someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

A person that will laugh with you when you want to laugh. Be the shoulder you lay your head on when you cry. Someone that you enjoy so much, that you could talk to them for hours and hours, and never get tired of being with them.

Someone that fascinates you. Interests you. And most of all, makes you feel loved, like you've never been loved before.

Does this exist? Or is it just an imaginary dream?

Is it just my romantic mind.. wishing for something that will never be there for me?

For me, this kind of love, if it exists, makes life worth living. If it doesn't exist - I'm afraid I do not find life to be a worthwhile venture.