Today I want to die.
I am hurting.
How is it, that I am so good at causing others pain, when, I truly DO have a heart of gold filled with love for people? It sounds arrogant, but it's true.
I have so much love inside of me for some people. I would give them the shirt off of my back, cut off my right arm for them.. do just about anything --- if I could. Some of these people have NO IDEA how much I have already tried to give. I don't share everything... but I have tried and worked and bent over backwards to try and be there for a few wonderful people. I am not a perfect person. I guess I don't give enough, but I surely would - If my life was my own and didn't belong to the winds.
I feel like a little feather that's being blown around by the winds of life. I have no control over anything. My mom, Eddie, and others are all making the wind blow in their directions so I'm pushed back and forth. I don't seem to have a say-so in matters. I can't do what I want lately.
I have no home. Only places to stay, where I am a low class citizen and am forced to put up with all the garbage my "care givers" can dish out. Care giver is a foolish name. These people don't give "CARE" they want to control and use and take out their frustrations on me! Because I'm a feather, I'm soft, I'm nice, I'm very easy to push around. And so they do.
On top of all of this, I've been sick for a couple of days. I feel awful and weak. My energy is simply gone. I have no strength, inner, or outer, from which to draw upon for help.
I'm totally lost. I'm so lost and hurt inside that I can't even get my thoughts out clearly as I write.
I had a doctor appointment yesterday. It's no surprise he wants me to take antidepressants again. I have put a TON of effort into trying NOT to take them again for a while. I have cried a thousand tears and life has been a constant painful struggle without my medications. I know they help. But I wanted so much to be strong.
I've never been a strong person. Yet I have put so much effort into trying to be. And now I feel like - why? What's the point? A feather, even if it tries to be strong, is still just a feather.
I will never accomplish my goals. I can't. I'm the little engine that couldn't. I see my life slowly going down the hole of nothingness again. I feel like giving up.