Saturday, August 27, 2011

Money Isn't Everything...

I have been spoiled in the past. I grew up in Avon Lake, a BEAUTIFUL and somewhat wealthy little town. My dad made a ton of money so I never had to worry about anything. Then I got married at age 23, things got a little bit harder, but I did not have to give up any little luxuries like expensive makeup, or nice clothes, so in essence, I was still spoiled. Granted, I was working, but still, money was not a worry to me.

_______________  SIDE NOTE
Unfortunately, one beautiful late summer day, I got Lyme Disease while out one day in the Cuyahoga Valley area. I made the mistake of sitting in the grass with shorts on, and walla, a tiny little tick bit me on the ankle. Within a day or two, I got deathly ill. I was sick for months and it was the most terrifying experience of my life. I really truly thought I was going to die. I went to 4 different doctors and each of them could not figure out what was going on with me. I honestly believe that the only thing that made me better from that, was God. My grandmother saw me after months of my torture and said "You've been sick for too long... I'm going to pray for you honey, I'm worried about you." Within a couple of weeks of her praying, I made a miraculous recovery. - Or so I thought.

Lyme disease, if not treated right away, does disastrous things to the body. I was stuck with terrible joint pain, fainting spells, light sensitivity, and skin problems, memory problems, vision trouble, and horrible depression. All of these were issues when I had to deal with going to work at the various jobs I had. Most of the time, the problems were too much to bear and I would have to leave my jobs after a year or two.

Getting back to my job situations:

Having no college degree really hurt me as far as jobs go. I was never able to make enough money to live off of even when I was working full time busting my butt to the point of exhaustion. I did very hard work and had nothing to show for it. But, my husband was there to pick up the slack. He made good money. He has a college degree and an I.Q. that is bordering on genius! He never had any trouble making money.

After working at a crafting store for a year, a library for a while, then working in an office for a few years, and working at a veterinarian's office for a short time, I found my dream job. It did not pay well at all, and the work was probably the hardest physical work I've ever had to do, but, I loved it. Why? It was a no kill cat shelter. While working there I felt like I had a reason to live. I had a true sense of purpose that I had never felt before. I was doing some good for animals and, on top of that, my body looked great. Unfortunately after having spells where I would fall for no reason, and fainting issues, and debilitating depression, I left my dream job.

After that I came to the conclusion that I probably couldn't work. My husband realized that too, and he made enough money to support both of us. He did not have a problem with me not working. He saw the many ailments I was dealing with, and while he did not show any compassion towards me, he understood and tried the best he could to not force me to feel like I was an incompetent fool for not being able to handle a regular job.

Well, here it is, several years later. I'm now facing some of the hardest issues in my entire life. I still can't really work a regular job, and I can no longer rely on my husband's money. He is struggling as is, too.

This week, I have had to face the reality that I may lose my car - and I will not be able to buy another one. I just learned today that I may lose my phone - and I do not have the money to afford to keep it going. It seems that my luck has changed in life. I see everything going downhill and it frightens me.

Today I get to go out with friends, but it's embarrassing because I should be paying for the event, but I can't, so they are being kind and taking care of things for me. On top of that, one of my best friends, Liam, is driving me. Were it not for his kindness, I don't know how I would survive anything. He never judges me for my issues and problems, he only supports me.

Anyway, I'm scared today and sad. My anxiety is going through the roof. I have no health insurance and I need to get to a doctor.

But you know, I've been thinking, and, money isn't everything. There are so many other people out there that have it so much worse than me. People survive horrible circumstances every day.

So, with all this totally useless and unorganized babble, I have to say, thank God for my friends, and thank God that I have a few people that do care about me. I do not have a great life right now, but God does provide help for me in the form of angels on earth - those who reach out to me and help me mentally, and financially.

I'm trying to hold onto hope today. To have a better attitude. It probably won't last. Every day is a depressing challenge... but, anyway, money isn't everything.

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I Want To Know

"It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing.

It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn't interest me what planets are squaring your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life's betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain! I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn't interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it's not pretty, every day,and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn't interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn't interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn't interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments."



Uncertainty. I hate it. Ever felt like this in a relationship?

"You don't give me your full attention anymore when we talk. You look around. Do other things.

When we talk, often times, I listen to you, ask about you... yet when I want to tell you about me, you suddenly cut off the conversation. Surely this is not a good sign.

I'm often left with the idea that your feelings and my feelings don't quite match up anymore. Why is this? Why is it that you can tell me how you feel, act very loving... and yet, I question it later on. Is it just me? Or is my intuition right? How can I tell?

What am I to do?

I don't want to be your loving puppy dog. I'm not going to keep pouring out my heart to you if the love is not returned in the same amount.

I'm nobody's fool. I've been through relationship "games" and I am not in the mood. Be straigthforward about how you feel and express yourself so I will stop having doubts!

I am straightforward about my love. If you aren't giving me the same treatment.. I'm left to feel that you don't really care anymore."

For God's sake, as Madonna put it - EXPRESS YOURSELF!

Saturday, August 6, 2011

I'm so drained.

I have a hard time getting in a good mood and getting things done. Why is this? I have blamed it on my depression in the past which totally makes sense, right?

But today I've thought more about it, and I've realized that I'm just tired. I feel mentally and physically drained. Physically, I don't feel any energy. I feel sort of dead. I have horrible shoulder pain and neck pain too.

So what does this all mean? I don't know.

What I do know is this: If you never feel physically well, it's going to effect everything in your life whether you think so or not. THAT is one of my problems.

The hardest part of that is having friends and family not understand because THEY feel fine compared to me. They have energy. They can just get up and go and not worry about feeling dead after a few hours of something.

I wish I knew what was wrong with me, and could fix it. I know my brother Greg says I have fibromyalga most likely. It does make sense, but, I've never been diagnosed with it. So what's wrong with me?

I just feel so incredibly drained and in pain. This sucks. I just want to feel normal. Is that too much to ask?

Thursday, August 4, 2011

How can you tell if someone really loves YOU?

It's very possible to figure out if you really love someone. But is it possible to find out if someone really loves you? I don't know. I'm not sure I've ever seen real love.

How do you know if you really love someone?

How can you know if you really love someone?

I think you love someone if you never want to live without them. If you find the positive.. even in the negative qualities. If you can get angry and feel hurt by someone, and yet you can't stay angry at them even if you have a justifiable right, because your love is so much stronger than your anger towards that person.

Love is like an invisible rope that wraps around yourself and the one you love. It's a likeness of mind. Two souls going in the same direction together. Love is the strongest and single most important thing in life.

This song is for that one person that I feel I never want to be without. It's beautiful. And so is he.