Ugly

OK, so.. I have been feeling very depressed lately. Which should be obvious by all of my previous posts. One of my problems is my looks. I hate my hair today... I hate my face lately... I hate my body... I just want to go and find a good brown bag and cut holes in it for eyes and a mouth, and stick it over my head, so I don't have to see me and no one else does!

It sounds a bit silly, but actually, it's rather serious. The way I feel about my appearance effects my daily life greatly. If I don't think I look alright, I will skip out on social events. Even things that I WANTED to go to... I will skip out on if I am filled with too much self hatred over the way that I look.

It's a disorder called Body Dysmorphic Disorder... in case any of you are wondering what in the hell is wrong with me.

So, this weekend, I have a little shindig to go to at my best buddy Liam's house. I've been looking forward to this because 1. I love Liam  2. I love his friends  and 3. I get to see Jeff! 

All of these things make me want to go.. but how do I go when I feel as though I look so bad? I've been sick, sure, so I have an excuse to look like garbage. But still, even my own mother noticed I look bad lately. So what do I do? I don't have money to go get myself all chopped up and remade to look better.

So, I have to somehow, get over this idea that I look awful, so I can go and have some fun. When I push myself and go to things like this when I feel this bad about my looks, I can't have fun. I'm too worried about how I look the entire time.

It's totally illogical, I know. And no one is really going to be paying any attention to how I look. They all have their own things going on. But still.

It's hard.
I need to be able to like what I see in the mirror and I just don't.

Someone out there...
Help?!!!!!?!!!!

Am I A "Vincent"?

"The diseases that we civilized people labor under most are melancholy and pessimism."

I worry, that I may someday do something amazingly creative and good with my God given abilities and talents, yet still, not be able to be successful at life itself. Sadly, Vincent, unable to see the good things that he had accomplished - committed suicide because he was tired of feeling like a failure.

How?

How do people make the tough decisions in their lives? Where do you go to for guidance?

Where do you find the answers and the help that you need in order to make a wise decision?

If you fall... who is going to be there to catch you?

If I fall, I fear I will keep falling. Like one of those strange nighttime occurrences, where you feel like you are falling. In sleep, that feeling will eventually stop. But can you imagine that feeling going on and on and on?

I don't want to be alone.

I hate uncertainty.

Simply put. I need an angel to catch me as I fall.

I'm in danger of dying before even trying... the road ahead of me is dark and filled with gloom. I cannot see.. there's no light to light the path.

Ashlee Simpson-Catch Me When I Fall

Feather

Today I want to die.

I am hurting.

How is it, that I am so good at causing others pain, when, I truly DO have a heart of gold filled with love for people? It sounds arrogant, but it's true.

I have so much love inside of me for some people. I would give them the shirt off of my back, cut off my right arm for them.. do just about anything --- if I could. Some of these people have NO IDEA how much I have already tried to give. I don't share everything... but I have tried and worked and bent over backwards to try and be there for a few wonderful people. I am not a perfect person. I guess I don't give enough, but I surely would - If my life was my own and didn't belong to the winds.

I feel like a little feather that's being blown around by the winds of life. I have no control over anything. My mom, Eddie, and others are all making the wind blow in their directions so I'm pushed back and forth. I don't seem to have a say-so in matters. I can't do what I want lately.

I have no home. Only places to stay, where I am a low class citizen and am forced to put up with all the garbage my "care givers" can dish out. Care giver is a foolish name. These people don't give "CARE" they want to control and use and take out their frustrations on me! Because I'm a feather, I'm soft, I'm nice, I'm very easy to push around. And so they do.

On top of all of this, I've been sick for a couple of days. I feel awful and weak. My energy is simply gone. I have no strength, inner, or outer, from which to draw upon for help.

I'm totally lost. I'm so lost and hurt inside that I can't even get my thoughts out clearly as I write.

I had a doctor appointment yesterday. It's no surprise he wants me to take antidepressants again. I have put a TON of effort into trying NOT to take them again for a while. I have cried a thousand tears and life has been a constant painful struggle without my medications. I know they help. But I wanted so much to be strong.

I've never been a strong person. Yet I have put so much effort into trying to be. And now I feel like - why? What's the point? A feather, even if it tries to be strong, is still just a feather.

I will never accomplish my goals. I can't. I'm the little engine that couldn't. I see my life slowly going down the hole of nothingness again. I feel like giving up.

ME Lately

Major depressive disorder (MDD)  is a mental disorder characterized by an all-encompassing low mood accompanied by low self-esteem, and by loss of interest or pleasure in normally enjoyable activities.

---Bingo---

Is Love Really A Reality?

I am a romantic at heart. Probably too much so. I believe in the whole dream of having a soul mate. A person that is your best friend and your lover. Someone that is so close to you that they can say the words you want to speak before you speak them.

Someone that knows you better than you know yourself.

A person that will laugh with you when you want to laugh. Be the shoulder you lay your head on when you cry. Someone that you enjoy so much, that you could talk to them for hours and hours, and never get tired of being with them.

Someone that fascinates you. Interests you. And most of all, makes you feel loved, like you've never been loved before.

Does this exist? Or is it just an imaginary dream?

Is it just my romantic mind.. wishing for something that will never be there for me?

For me, this kind of love, if it exists, makes life worth living. If it doesn't exist - I'm afraid I do not find life to be a worthwhile venture.

Yes. LOVE IS THAT IMPORTANT!

Ch Ch Ch Changes...

Yesterday and today have been all about pain. Internal pain. I wish there were some magic cure for depression like this. I feel death just breathing down my neck, waiting to pounce at any given moment. Suicide is not a pretty picture folks. I don't want to feel like this but I'm very weak to change things.

 And speaking of change...

I have been learning lately - that all I really want is for people to accept me for WHO I AM NOW. Not for what they hope I will be like in the future.

I understand that I need improvement in some areas of my life. But if I am going to change, it is going to be for myself... NOT for anyone else! If I want to change.. I will. If not, it will never happen. I cannot live my life for anyone else. Things just don't work that way. It's MY choice what I want, how I want to be, and how I am going to be.

I am thankful for those few friends that I have that love me as I am - faults and all.

To everyone else who expects anything other than what they get from me.. screw you!!! I'm tired!!!

I'm a great person. I don't HAVE to be anything other than what I am. If you don't like me... fine. Don't like me! But stay the hell out of my life if you don't accept me as I am because I do not need pressure and I do NOT deserve to feel bad about myself just because I may not live up to someone else's expecatations of me.

I like me. AS IS. And yeah... I'm very angry right now.

Chaos Continues

My life is so weird lately. It's a chaotic dance of ups and downs. I guess it's just a reflection of how I am with my moods.

Today I get to paint. Which I'm hoping will ease some of my internal pain. Doing artwork usually does. But yet, I fear that, left alone with my thoughts to wander while my paintbrush glides across a piece of pottery, where will the thoughts go? Can I hold in the tears that want to flow out? Painting allows the mind to travel anywhere it wants to go.

I guess I'm  hoping I can block things out of my mind. If just for one day. I hope too for wellness, as I have been sick so much on and off for quite a while.

I will think on peaceful things. I will remember that I have some wonderful people in my life that bring me joy and comfort. I will try for once, not to worry. Because I know that worrying accomplishes very little.

Life

Life is a very strange thing. Sometimes we need peace more than anything else in the world. Quiet. Calm. Peace. These are the things I seek.

God willing, I will find them.

Love

Love is more important than anything. 'nuff said.

I have decided to blog again.

I used to have a blog. A blog where I wrote out my feelings and thoughts for the world to see.

I then had a bad bout of depression a few years ago so I deleted it. I deleted it because I thought I was going to kill myself. Is this too personal? I dont' know. All I know is that I just don't really care what people think. I do care.. too much, in reality. But I don't want to. So I will fake myself out and say that I just don't care. I want to write out what is inside of me. It may not all be nice. It's not all flowers and sunshine all the time. I just want to be real. I'm a Christian.. but I swear.. I don't act perfect.. I never will. No one can ever be perfect. I know a lot of uppity people who will look down on me for what I write here. But if I reach anyone else out there that may feel like me, it's worth the risk. To help another hurting soul is more important than trying to impress people that aren't even worth impressing.

I want to be able to pull myself out of my own mind. My mind is filled with insults and fears. I want it all to go away. I want to be like everyone else and not feel everything so intensely. I hate internal pain. I have a mental disorder. What does it do to me? Well, I don't here voices. I don't hallucinate. I just feel. I feel everything SO intensely. Sometimes it is heaven. Other times it is hell.

Imagine how you would feel if someone punched you lightly in the arm... It may hurt a bit.. but not much. That same punch, to me, is like a knife that slices through my arm. The pain is excrutiating. This is what my mental disorder is about. Most people can look past insults. Or at least they can fake it like it doesn't mean much. People like me, we have to feel the pain.. I can't look past my emotions. I can't put a fake smile on my face when I'm sad. I have to be real. I have to feel, even when I don't want to.

I think of all these things, and yet, I do feel like these pains are what make me an artist. Without my pain, I would not be me.

But is it such a great thing... being me? I'm not sure.

Sometimes I like who I am. I am kind, sweet, caring, deep, funny, compassionate, and very generous. But at this moment, I'm not feeling that. I'm feeling the sad. I'm judging myself.. and it hurts.